Come Back to Me

My last thought every night before I fall asleep is "Come back to me".  It's the first thing I think in the morning when I wake up.  At night, it's usually more of a desperate plea.  That I can't bear the thought of spending one more day without my baby.  Sometimes it's a quiet whisper, sometimes silent, but lots of times it's a cry in between sobs.

Please....just come back to me...one more day...one more hour.  One last kiss.  One last hug.  One last swing.  One last smile.  Even though I knew the last time I did all those things would be the last,  could they have ever been enough?

I know everyone will tell me that "James is in a better place" but that is the very last thing I want to hear.  Although I know he is, the truth is, I want him here with me.

I still wake up in the middle of the night and walk into his room.  I don't know when it will hit me that he's not in there.  I still glance in my mirror when I drive, hoping to catch his reflection in the mirror that was in front of him. Neither are in the car anymore.  The baby bjorn and the grocery cart cover are- I can't seem to move them.  My back seat used to be filled with toys and diapers and outfit changes, just in case.  Now its filled with school books.  Such a short time it was filled with the baby gear.

I still don't understand how it happened.  It's like I can't get my brain around it.  And I just don't understand why it had to happen to my baby.  To my James.  A young girl in one of my classes told me yesterday that she was pregnant unexpectedly and they think she might be having twins.  I mean, really God?  She's going to have two babies that she doesn't really want and I couldn't even keep my one?

C'est la vie, right? Sometimes things just happen.  I still don't think everything happens for a reason.  And I know people are going to disagree with me, and that is fine.

The other day the Lifehouse song "Broken" came on my pandora- which was kind of random because I was on the Adele station and I don't think Lifehouse and Adele are that similar.

I'm falling apart, 

I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart 

that's still beating

I googled the song because I was wondering what the meaning was behind it.  One of the band members said that he wrote it after visiting a friend who was very sick with cancer. And I guess that is why it makes sense to me.  

Maybe I will spend the rest of my life thinking that...every night and every morning.  Come back to me.  For some reason I just keeping hoping that one day it will be true.