Halloween

This is the only picture I have of James from Halloween last year.  One of my many regrets is not dressing him up in a costume last year.   I know it's not really important, but I now I wish I had.

I didn't expect today to be so hard.  Really, I thought Saturday was going to be the worst day.  And today was just really bad, and maybe its because I didn't expect it.  I barely moved from the couch today.  The only times I got up were to let the dogs in and out.

I don't even know what I watched on tv, though I am sure it was on all day.  I really don't know what I did.  I know I kept getting on facebook and seeing the (what seems like) hundreds of adorable kids in their adorable costumes.  And with each lady bug or monkey I just sank lower and lower.  Sometimes I think I should just cancel my facebook completely!  I tend to compare myself to other people alot, and it really only makes me feel worse about myself sometimes.  Does that happen to anyone else?

One of my classes got canceled, and so I was home during the typical Trick or Treat time.  I was really planning on being gone so I didn't have to deal with it.  I hadn't bought any candy or decorated.  So I was the Grinch this year and sat on the couch, lights off, shades drawn, with no candy to give out. 

I think I should have known that I was upset about Halloween.  A few months ago, some people at church had asked me to help chair our Fall Festival.  I just couldn't.  I knew that it was the day after James's birthday, and I just couldn't bear to see all the kids in their costumes when I never had the chance to even bring James to the event.  And as it got closer, I couldn't even bear to hear about it.  And I know it's terrible, but I just can't deal with it.  I didn't even ask my friends what their children were dressing up as. 

Some days I just feel like I don't function at all.  Maybe if I had somewhere I had to be today it wouldn't have been a total loss, but the days I have no plans seem to be the worst.  Sometimes I can just sit and stare for hours and accomplish nothing.  Tomorrow I have several things I have to do, so hopefully I can make myself go do them. 

Tomorrow is All Saints Day.  I've never even thought about the day, other than in Spanish class in high school when we had "Dia de las Muertos" parties.  I read somewhere  that All Saints day is supposedly when some people believe that the space between Heaven and Earth is closer, and therefore more signs from loved ones are seen.  Well, I'll be honest, I would love a sign.  What I would really love is James to appear and tell me that he is ok- great even- and will just play with his angel baby friends until I get there.  Maybe he will. I have to hope that maybe I one day I will get a sign. 

Sometimes life is funny.  If you had told me 6 months ago that I would halfway believe that on November 1st the barrier between Heaven and Earth was thinner, I would have told you that it was all bull and you are crazy.  Now I think I just grasp at anything that could give me the chance to see James again. 

Like I said before, nothing in my life is black and white anymore.  It's all gray that might possibly make me slant towards the loony bin.  Even typing it, I'm thinking "Who the heck would believe that?!" 

So I hope everyone had a good time with their little ones today.  But tomorrow, on All Saints Day, would you mind saying a little prayer for my little one? 

Tropical resort bliss

I want a tropical, beach vacation in the worst sort of way. No computer, no TV - just sun, the ocean , sand, and rest, rest, rest. I think this place - Ayada Maldives - would do just fine

via Ayada Maldives

Winston and Maggie

First,  thank you so much for all the kind comments, texts, emails, and facebook messages celebrating James's birthday.  I am so thankful that you all remember him and his birthday.  I appreciate the fact that so many of you are celebrating his life.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So, yesterday has come and gone.  Matthew and I went to the zoo and saw Jamie with some sweet friends.  I know most of you are sick of hearing this, but I have the greatest friends.  Truly.  Some friends I have made this past year, and others I have known for 15 plus years and everywhere in between.  They are amazing.  And then my Mom was in town also, and she and I went out to Denton to take Jamesie some balloons.  So thankful for my Mom who lets me cry and be angry and then be happy and sad all within a 2 minute time-frame.

I've been a little preoccupied with myself lately, and it hit me not only did I lose my only child, but my parents and Matthew's parents all lost their only grandchild also.  My mom went from being GiGi- which she still is to the doglets- to not having a grandson to play with.  James just loved my mom so much.  Between my mom and my brother, they could have James laughing when he was in the hospital in no time.

This is my mom and James, with James laughing at my brother.  I think he was doing funny faces or something! 

James and Maggie.  Kisses from Maggie are a rare occurrence. 


James and Winston.  Winston gives everyone kisses. 

Speaking of the dogs- I feel like I should talk about them for a minute.  The pugs are Winston, who is 6, and Maggie, who is 4.  Matthew bought me Winston for my birthday our senior year in college.  I adopted Maggie in 2008 right after Matthew had left to go to Albuquerque for the summer to do a clerkship.  In retrospect, it was terrible timing, and the summer of 2008 I used to refer to as the worst summer of my life.  And then Summer 2011 happened and it pales in comparison.

Winston and Maggie are best friends.  Winston used to be the alpha dog, and then Maggie came and took her rightful place.  He was never that great at the alpha dog part anyway- he never had a chance.  Winston is definitely show-quality, slightly flamboyant, possibly autistic(but definitely high-functioning) and has a love of large, black, male dogs.  Seriously.  Maggie on the other hand is loud, has hip dysplasia, territorial, and is a tease.  They are a lot like Will and Grace. 

So when I was pregnant, I worried about how Winston and Maggie would take a new baby.  Maggie barks if any baby cries on the tv, and Winston's "spot" is my lap.  I bought a baby doll and practiced holding it and keeping the dogs away.  It didn't work.  But as soon as we brought James home they settled down.  And the bigger he got, the more they liked him.

And oh, how James loved the dogs.  He thought they were hilarious.   This video is one of my very favorites.  You have to watch it.  And I never say that.  But it's just so adorable. 

So I miss being able to play with all of them.  They were such a good team.  And now I don't even know if Winston and Maggie realize he's gone.  I know on some level they must know.  They don't go into his room ever, even though the door is open and they used to spend so much time in there.  Winston used take any opportunity to take a nap in the rocker.  It's just so strange to me that they don't even walk in there from time to time.


And I feel like I can't explain to them what has happened.  Just like I couldn't explain to James what was happening.  So I'm at a loss of what to do.  Winston has regained his place on my lap.  Maggie, who had stopped barking at the babies on tv, now barks at anything and everything.  Maybe they know, but don't even know what to do.  I guess that's how I feel, so I can't really blame them. 

Happy Birthday, Baby

Precious Baby,

This is not the letter that I thought I would be writing a year ago. Oh how I miss everything about you- your sweet smiles, your hilarious laughs, your high-pitched talks and hungry cry.  I miss your perfect little thighs with hardly a chunk on them.  Your tiny toes that we used to make Valentine's Day cards.

I hope they are taking care of you in Heaven.  If I thought for a minute that they weren't I would just hop on the next bus up there.  I'm so sorry that I'm not there to rock you or tuck you in at night.  Do they know that you sleep in a sleep sack?  A cotton one in the summer, but now it's gotten cold so hopefully they have switched to your fleece ones.  Surely they know that, right?

I hope one of the many mommies and daddies have made you a cake.  And they hopefully made a tiny smash cake for you.  Oh how I wish I could see you smash that cake!  I remember at your friend Chloe's birthday party I let you try a little bit of cupcake even though you were only 7 months old and I shouldn't have.  You loved trying that frosting!  If I had only known what was coming I would have let you eat the whole thing. 

I wonder if you are walking now- or in Heaven were you already able to walk when you got there?  You were so mobile.  And always so ahead of your milestones.  I thought surely you would have been walking well before you turned a year old.  We used to "walk" around the house all the time.  With you holding my hands, and me standing above you.  You thought it was so much fun to be able to get all the way down the hall to your bedroom.  So fast you were!

I haven't moved your toys.  Your room is exactly the way you left it.  I just keep hoping that maybe one day I'll wake up and you'll just be here again and everything will go back to normal.  There's still so many clothes in bigger sizes that would fit you now.  It's all here, and the only thing missing is you.

I'm surprised every morning when I wake up.  I always think that surely my heart has broken so much that God decided to take me in the middle of the night to be with you.

I miss you so much James. I can't believe that we aren't spending your birthday together.  The first of what was supposed to be a lifetime of birthdays.  I went today to order you some balloons- One big Happy First Birthday Balloon and 8 small balloons for the 8 month birthdays we got.  I don't know what else to do.  It seems silly to get you a cake.  I guess I'm hoping that the balloons will fly high enough tomorrow that they will somehow reach you.

I hope your angel baby friends have fun at your party.  I've met so many of their mommies that are still here.  We all miss you so very much.

Happy Birthday, sweet baby.  A year ago, my life changed in the most remarkable way. I got to meet my favorite person!  And for better or for worse, I am so thankful that I got to be your Mommy.  You are worth every hour of labor, every stitch across my stomach.  You are worth every tear, every smile, every cry.  Even if you had never so much breathed one breath on this Earth, you would have been worth it.  And the fact that I got you for 8 and a half months?  Never has anyone been so lucky as I.

I miss you.  I love you.  I can't wait to see you again.  And the next time we see each other, we'll never have to be a part again.  Happy Birthday, love of my life.

Home office bliss

The home office is so important to me since I work from home. I think with more and more people working from home these days we'll be seeing even more great home office inspiration and solutions in mags and blogs.

Happy Friday!

a fab duo office

via Ballard Home

so pretty!  The white, the cube shelving - the window seat!!

via BHG

Tons of storage for inspiration!  My shelves are always overflowing, but sometimes I feel like the more storage space I have, the more likely I am to hoard more stuff...
via Ikea

Looks like an archivists dream right?

via Inc.com

A down-to-earth but still chic space.

via House of Fifty

via Ivy and Piper

Only problem with this one is that the gorgeous wall mural might have me daydreaming of tree houses all day

via Sweet Home Style


Which one do you like best?

An amazing chic and liveable LA home makeover

This amazing makeover is the home of Lisa Ullmann, Executive Producer of The Ricky Gervais show.  What started as an Echo Park "diamond in the rough," turned into a multifaceted top-quality gem. The interior design is by LA firm Jonamor Decor

Here are some before/after pics to show you the amazing transformation...

entry before

Entry after -- so chic!

The overall goal was to create a comfortable and relaxing environment that would reflect Lisa's many interests and styles and be welcoming for guests. Having a passion for travel, Lisa wanted to incorporate elements of some of her favorite places around the world that she had visited, specifically Italy, France and India. She wanted her home to be unique, elegant but also “user friendly”.

My favorite transformation - the living room

gorgeous - the jewel tones are really fresh

The dining room

The red is a bit too loud for me personally, but the room is still really intriguing, I like the wallpaper and the Moroccan lanterns

The master bedroom transformation

Many of the central pieces to each room were vintage or purchased at discount prices. Older furniture was re-painted and re-upholstered (a used Crate and Barrel desk painted black, an ottoman from a flea market covered in a funky Indian orange fabric). Lisa not only appreciated vintage items for their price and unique appearance, but felt that buying used items was a “greener” approach. Of all the newly purchased furniture, only the couch, a chair and a bench were “new” items.


What do you think of this home makeover?

An easy furniture repurposing idea and an AMAZING GIVEAWAY!

So remember last week when I revealed my kitchen after stenciling it with a Royal Design Studios stencil?  Well, I have an addition to that kitchen to reveal - and am announcing a giveaway hosted by Royal Design Studios!  To enter the stencil giveaway, go to the Royal Design Studios site, peruse the amazing stencil selection, and come back here and leave a comment, or email me, with the stencil that you would like to win. To comment on this post (scroll to the bottom of this post and right above "Labels" you will see a number followed by the word "comments." Click on the word "Comments." Or, you will see a link, "Post a Comment," which you click on to comment.

If you receive posts in your email feel free to respond to the email noting that you'd like to be entered in the drawing. Then, go to Royal Design Studio's facebook page and "Like" them.  For this giveaway, the stencil you select must be under $50. 

Here is my kitchen and the easy furniture repurposing idea:
For this project I repurposed a medicine cabinet into a spice rack.

Here is the mirror situation that was in our bathroom when we moved in.  It has since been amended. The medicine cabinet, on the right, was not my style at all, with the carved flowers and dry brush metallic silver paint treatment.

I unmounted the cabinet, and removed the door/mirror. I also gave the cabinet a wash with a cloth and mild soap.  I decided to leave the holes where the door was attached and the magnetic closure.  I liked that it added some history/story to the piece.

I painted the cabinet in an eggshell white with a roller.  A roller creates a smoother finish than a brush.  I used a brush to get into the corners.  Note to the wiser than me:  If you're not sure the finish of the furniture you're about to repaint/refinish - sand it (and wear a mask in case the previous finish is nasty), and PRIME.  Turned out the paint didn't stick to well to whatever finish the cabinet had on it originally, so I had to go back and prime it.

voila!  The finished medicine cabinet turned spice rack in our new kitchen!

It looks like a custom piece, and the white contrasts nicely off the navy blue, I think.

I'm working on another kitchen DIY which I'll reveal next week. I'm very excited about this one - as it's going to free up a cabinet's worth of space.

I'll end by leaving you with some stenciling inspiration from RDS. Remember to comment with the stencil you'd like to win and "like" them on facebook! (They also have a Twitter feed). The drawing closes Nov. 2nd at 6 PM EST. I'll announce the winner the following day. Good luck!

Jealousy Issues

Ok...so you all like me because sometimes I am totally honest, right? 

I'm pretty jealous right now.  I'm jealous of all the people who have perfectly healthy babies.  I'm jealous that they get to wake up in the middle of the night to their cries.  I wake up in the middle of the night to emptiness. 

I'm jealous of the people who complain about their children.  Who are so tired of their children asserting their independence and personality.  And I know it has to be hard to be a parent of a 2 year old.  But I would give anything to know what would have set James off in a temper tantrum.  And I know it's silly, but I wonder what it would have been.  Would it have been what he wore?  Or a special toy?  Or shoes?  What would he have been particular about?

I'm jealous of the people who get to blissfully unaware of pain.  I know everyone has their share of problems, but there are always people you meet who just seem to have perfect lives.  They have perfect jobs, perfect kids, and it all seems to be  great.  How do you get that life?  I guess I wouldn't even know what to do in a life like that.

Ok- and I told you I am on a roll with the jealousy- I'm even jealous of breast cancer research.  I know, weird.  But I was trying to do some research on rhabdoid tumors and whether they could be caused by an epigenetic response (basically if something like nutrition could cause a change in the proteins on top of the DNA that would cause the change in the gene).  There is so little research.  So then I was trying to do some research on breast milk and whether that has an effect on your DNA.  I searched probably 15 scholarly journals for "breast milk".  Not a single article or study came up about children.  However, thousands came up about breast cancer.  And I don't think there shouldn't be research about breast cancer- I just am jealous that we know so little about AT/RT and I wish we knew more.

I'm jealous of people who get to have normal lives.  Who get to go to Gymboree.  Who get to play with their kids.  Who get to hear "I love you Mommy", even if it is few and far between.  Who get their own version of "Jamesie kisses". 

So I was watching the Little Couple tonight (Disclaimer: I watch terrible reality TV.  It's a problem that has unfortunately gotten worse over the last 3 months.) and they were talking about doing genetic testing on the 2 embryos that will be transferred to their surrogate.  They didn't want to go through a pregnancy without a good chance that their child(ren) would survive. 

And I know the pain that happens when you lose a child first hand- its awful.  And I'm not here to say whether deciding that is right or wrong for them.  But knowing what I know now about what all would have happened, I can't imagine my life without James a part of it.  Even though he's gone, he is still very much a part of my life.  But then, also knowing what I know now, I would hate for him to have to suffer.  As a parent, you never want your child to suffer. 

Maybe this experience has shown me that every decision is not always black and white.  Most are shades of gray. 

I know I am so random.  This week is really rough.  If you have an extra prayers, I would be forever grateful if you would send them my way. 

Last year when the Rangers were in the World Series, James was 1 day old and we watched the game in the hospital.  The weekend he was born we watched the Rangers, the Baylor Bears, and the Dallas Cowboys.  We watched so many sports in the hospital that I even thought at the time that this year we might have a "Tailgate" themed party and just have football on all over the house. 



Oh, how I wish we were having that party this year.  That we were the ones blissfully unaware of just how painful life could be. 

A house tour that oozes comfort, clean design, and individuality

This house tour is coming at you from a BRAND NEW online mag from our stylish friends across the pond, 91 Magazine.  It comes as no surprise that this UK e-glossy is full of charming and lovely crafts, style, inspiring vintage decor, and shopping.

The feature that caught my eye was this fabulous house tour of a Surrey semi-detached abode of a couple and their 3 year-old daughter.  Enjoy!

I like to see a salon-style wall with a lot of different style frames

I love the simple and clean look

Neutral tones keep the space airy

What do you think of 91 Magazine's debut house tour?

via 91 Magazine