The sun is starting to peek out

So this week has been relatively better.  It's the first week that I haven't just felt numb most of the time- which is good!

My emotions still go all over the place.  But I would say that this week the lows aren't as low.  I didn't go to the cemetery on the 16th.  I really don't know what to do out there.  And I don't like that the 16th of every month reminds me of James' death.  Just like on Saturdays I can remember that he died on a Saturday.  I'm trying to reframe those days so they aren't so debilitating, if that makes sense at all.

The past few weeks I have been trying to figure out what the future looks like.  For a while, I honestly wasn't sure that I cared.  Every moment of joy that I had over the last several months made me feel immediately guilty.  Because I shouldn't be feeling any happiness- my baby died.  So why should I laugh? 

I'm starting not to feel as guilty about things like that.  I still do from time to time, but the time in between is getting longer and longer.  Which I think is a good thing.  I don't feel like my sadness is all-encompassing as much.  I mean, it's still there, definitely, but it's not as debilitating.  I know I keep using that word, but that's what it felt like for a while- debilitating, disabling.  Almost like I needed a handicap sticker placed on my entire body.  Or a sign that says, "Tread carefully.  Extreme emotions ever present."

I know that there are bound to be days where it feels worse.  But I'm starting to recognize that there are days that feel better too.  And both of those are ok. I don't want the 16th of every month to be a reminder of what I lost.  Because I had 8 other 16ths with James that full of the most special times.  Or maybe not special, they may have just been  typical days, but now those average days I cherish. 

I, of course, still miss my Jamesie.  There isn't an hour that passes that I don't think of him.  And sometimes there are 60 minutes in that hour that I am only thinking of him.  This week I ate lunch at Panera.  And remembered that last time I went to Panera with James, my mom was in town.  I happened to order the chicken noodle soup (It has the least amount of calories and I was trying to be healthy.  I really wanted the baked potato soup!).  The last time we were there, my mom had ordered the chicken noodle soup and James ended eating all of the carrots and noodles from her soup. 

It made me sad at first, but then I remembered the look on his face as he just went after those carrots and noodles.  He had always hated the mashed carrots in the baby food jar, but he decided he liked these.  He really did not like mashed up food in general.  Once he realized that he could pick up food, like bananas and avocados, he enjoyed eating much better. 

Thank you for being so supportive and listening to my ramblings.  I feel like I always write when I am sad, and tonight I'm not completely depressing!  These pictures are from right before Thanksgiving last year at the Arboretum.  James was 3 weeks old.  He wasn't as in to the pumpkins....but he was only 3 weeks old!