Green and Glam... a house that proves you can have both

*tip - click on each image if you want a closer view

check out the gorgeous rough backsplash

A clever way to create a laundry room if you don't have one

amazing coffee table, amazing cabinet, amazing floors!

I've been loving navy lately

Not crazy about the laser cut mirrors - but otherwise this foyer is gorgeous...

What do you think about this home?

via Pure Green Living

10 months ago

James would have been 10 months old yesterday.  I miss him so much.  I literally woke up crying yesterday.  I just want my baby back.

I know a ton of people who had babies within 2 weeks on either side of James's birthdate.  I can't bear to look at any of their pictures.  I can't even fathom James doing the things that their children are doing now.  Some are talking.  Some are walking.  Some are eating real solid food.

I really just want my baby back.  I started classes last night, and all I could think about was that I wanted to be home with my sweet boy instead of sitting in that lecture hall.  I really wish I could change the past.

The last 2 weeks I have barely been able to stop crying.  I guess it's finally hitting me now.  For some reason, it seems that it is all getting harder and harder instead of easier.  Maybe because the phone calls are less, the cards are fewer and the house is achingly quiet these days.  I miss James.  I miss him so much.  I guess nothing is ever going to change that or take that away.

I guess this is what the new "normal" is. 

Gorgeous interiors from some of my favorite blogs...

The one thing I miss about the days before I started blogging was that I actually had time to explore the blogs that I love and that inspired me to start blogging in the first place. Well, that's why I started regularly posting groups of images from my favorite blogs - so I get to visit my favorite sites, but still feel like I'm being productive.

In no particular order...

Below are finds from the always elegant Belle Vivir

this is a bathroom!

You can probably tell the 4 yummy images below are Scandinavian interiors, from the wonderfully Scandinavian themed Designpiration

I love this kitchen!!!  It's very rustic, but I think I could manage just fine...

The below are from the lovely "Oh So Beautiful Paper"

these bedrooms are heaven

This amazing cabinet is from the Two's Company display at last year's NYIGF.

A bright, airy, and elegant home

A lot of super luxe and elegant homes are often done in richer, darker tones, and heavier fabrics. I thought this home was interesting in that it still looks very refined and elegant, but is also very airy and bright.

The ceiling in this bedroom is AMAZING.  Can't beat the light, either.

Another amazing ceiling.  It almost feels like a giant lighthouse!

What do you think?  Do you like this elegant and light look?
via TradHome

Genetic Testing Results

This post is really for those of you affected by rhabdoid tumors that find this blog.  The rest of you might not be interested in the medical part of it- and that's fine!  I'm going to try to explain the results as I understood them (and hopefully the genetics class that I am taking this semester will help me more in the future!)

Rhabdoid tumors (like most tumors) are genetically related.  That means that within most tumors, the cell make up is different than those of normal cells.  The difference between tumor cells and normal cells- or in this case rhabdoid cells and brain cells is that the rhabdoid tumor cells keep reproducing and don't stop.  Almost all cells reproduce- which is good usually.  Kind of like when you cut your self, and the cells around the cut reproduce in order to clot and then heal the area.  But those cells stop reproducing when the infected area is healed.  Tumor cells, as a general rule, keep reproducing until they 1) run out of space or 2) are killed.

So onto the genetics part.  Rhabdoid tumor cells are missing a tumor suppressor gene within the cell make up.  (Specifically it's the chromosome 22 hSNF5/INI1 gene that is deleted.  Not important unless you are into this kind of thing!) SO basically ONE gene on ONE chromosome of ONE cell causes this tumor. 

The question for the genetic testing boiled down to whether James was missing the tumor suppressor (INI1) in every single cell in his body, or whether the tumor suppressor was only missing in the tumor cells.  And if the INI1 deletion was detected in every cell (which they test in his blood and spinal fluid), then was it because he inherited this deletion from either Matthew or I?

There were 3 options for the genetic testing that we were prepared for.  I hope I explain them correctly (and once again forgive me because I'm trying to write them in the ways that I understand it!)

First Option

The INI1 suppressor was only absent in the tumor cells.  We were told that this was only about 2% likely.  The children that normally have this happen have rhabdoid tumors when they are older than 1, and they have the highest survival rates.  Since James' tumor came back so quickly after the resection, and because he was 7 and a half months at the time of his diagnosis, this seemed unlikely.

Second Option

The INI1 suppressor is absent in all of James' cells.  Somehow this happened at conception and for some reason the sequence of proteins, etc. was interrupted causing this complete genetic mutation.

Third Option

Either Matthew or I are missing the INI1 suppressor in our genetic make up and passed it along to James.  If option 2 was true, then the lab will test the samples that Matthew and I submitted to see if either of us is missing the gene.  If one of us is found to be missing INI1, then any future children we would have would have a 50% chance of inheriting this suppressor and most likely would develop a rhabdoid tumor as well.

We were prepared for option 2.  We knew option 3 was a possibility, albeit small.  All week I had been expecting the results and by the end of the week I had convinced myself that I had passed along the gene deletion to James and I had caused him to get the tumor.  (It was a really bad week which I will write about later).

So Friday night Children's called to tell me the news.  Sweet Megan, who is a geneticist, stayed late and tracked down the director to the outside lab to get the results (we had been having delays all week).  She knew how nervous I was about the results, and I am just so thankful that she stayed late (On a FRIDAY) to find out.

James' tumor results came back NORMAL.  It was option 1.  There was one cell is in brain that mutated and caused this terrible, awful tumor.  To say I was shocked would be an understatement.  James was born absolutely perfect. 

I thought that this was the option I wanted- and its true that it is good news.  I don't know how I would have lived with the guilt if I had passed it on to him.  Or if it had happened at conception I would have come up with a way to blame myself. 

But now they have no clue why this one cell in his brain would mutate and do this.  No earthly idea.  And in some ways that is harder because there is no cause.  It's just a fluke. 

Flukes are hard- but it would be worse if I had given it to him.  So I am thankful for that!  I'm really interested in genetics now, maybe I will find out why cells do this!

James Crawling

This is one of my favorite videos of James. It's from a little over a month before he died. I titled the post "crawling" but James' crawling was more of an inchworm kind of experience. If he'd been more patient he would have waited to start moving until he'd mastered the art of getting his arms and legs under him. Developmentally, that's the ideal scenario. He would have waited until he was strong enough to keep his stomach off the ground. James was never patient.



He liked to explore. First he crawled off the rug to check in on his puppies at the door. When his puppies wouldn't play (they were always disappointed James couldn't let them in) back to people. He always came back to people because they were the most reliably entertaining things around.

Graveside

I decided to visit James today and check in. I visit often. I made the now familiar drive to Denton and took a book. I spent a few hours there. The spray we put on his casket wilted long ago, beaten down and slowly succumbing totally to the oppressive summer heat. Fresh flowers have a very short half life. I wandered the graves around his, wondering what neighbors we'd made. A boy caddy corner to James died at 13 last year. Today would have been his 14th birthday. Visitors trickled in throughout the evening, complete with Happy Birthday Balloons fastened to the headstone, fluttering in the wind long after the visitors departed. I wonder what a year will bring.



They dug a grave across from James- a service in the morning. Across the street, another baby boy, four months old. Another three person plot, parents on either side. Yet another baby resides a few rows over, a five month old. Their ages remind me how grateful I am for the eight we had. You can identify the children's graves quickly. More clutter- bunny rabbits and animals littering the base of the headstone, rattles and other plastic toys slowly fading in the sun. I spent a little time with each of them, wondering who besides me would visit my boy on summer days in the future, who would wonder at the toys I might bring him. Older teenagers and early twenty-somethings form the next cluster of graves in terms of age, offensive lineman and others with inscriptions alluding to premature deaths and extracurricular activities. Car wrecks perhaps, one cannot tell for sure. No one puts how they died on their headstone. It doesn't matter enough.



I curled up with a book and read some, the time wasted away quicker than I expected, quiet and peaceful as I'd hoped it would be when we first visited. Two trains, a few groundskeepers, and one insane jogger, who must have made long laps around the place for more than an hour. She was rail-thin already, I half expected her to keel over on several occasions. Perhaps she just thought it would be more convenient here.



I am not quite sure why I come so often. Kara is right in that it brings some people more comfort than others. Visiting James' grave is not visiting James. James is gone, he was gone well before he ever made his way to Denton. All that remains is his body, my son left at this world at 3:50 P.M. on July 16. He's not waiting for me in Denton. And yet I go. I go perhaps because it is the only place left in the world dedicated solely to James. He still has his room of course, his things remain untouched. But that's a place dedicated to his life- this is the only place commemorating his loss. Sometimes, I need to spend some time with that. It still seems stunningly unreal, an anomaly that I cannot believe. So I go to his grave to mourn him, because I need convincing that he's gone, that he needs mourning. I linger in the still, quiet space that he rests in and try to find a way to acknowledge that he's actually there, that my son has joined all of those other graves I wrote of before, that we buried him. In many ways it's not for him that I go, indeed, James doesn't need me or anyone anymore, he's undoubtedly found much more exciting people to play with. I'm going because I need to deal with him being gone, and it helps to talk to him about that there. I am not sure if that is the correct answer or the just the right answer for right now. I expect it to change. In a few years, I'm sure I'll agree with Kara and find it sad, which is unquestionably is. I'll go less and know the joggers less well. Right now, I'm just glad I have somewhere to go. As with so many other things, I'll figure out the rest later

Making the details count

I love the little "moments" in a person's home where you just have to stand and let your eye travel around the nook, shelf, or table top where you find the little details that speak volumes about the owner.

I think these shelves are from the home of Jen Ramos of Made by Girl
via Adore Home Mag

Love the wallpaper on the back of the shelves - you can tell this person has a feminine aesthetic and pays great attention to detail.
via BHG

via Ivy and Piper

Possibly the most adorable and chic little kitchen ever.
via Adore Home Mag

via calle pompón

What spot or room in your home speaks the most about you? What does it say?

Dining rooms in all flavors

Some dining room love for you guys today! Anybody else on the east coast feel that shake yesterday? I'm right outside DC so it was pretty scary here!

via Adore Home mag

via Concrete Wall

LOVE the large tree branch!
2 above via Elle Decor

via High Gloss

Pinterest

I have to paint our table - it's so sad right now.  I love how the feet of this one look dipped in gold!
Pinterest

House Tour: An airy Arizona home - light and airy with gorgeous antiques

This home is so subtly glamorous and elegant, but the classic furniture in tougher textures keeps the place kid friendly...

The desk and chair are such a great pair but I never would have thought of putting them together

so pretty...

Event the breakfast table is elegant, but doesn't look too fragile or dainty

The table and chairs are perfect

This home was designed by Sasha Adler and Lauren Gold of Nate Berkus Interiors.
via Trad Home

Giraffe Contest Deadline

Here is James enjoying his giraffe blanket, one of his many giraffe accessories. In addition to being very comfortable, this blanket had the added benefit of being machine washable, an essential quality for any James accessory.



Today was the last day for submissions to the Dallas Zoo for their Giraffe naming contest. Thank all of you so much for your submissions. We will not know the results until September, but regardless of the outcome it has been deeply humbling to see the response that this campaign has generated. It's touching to know that so many people thought of James and his story. Besides, I can't think of a better name than Jamie for a giraffe. Yes, I am extremely biased.



Throughout all of this, it has been a great comfort to know that James has reached so many people and touched so many lives. Although we'd gladly trade all of it in a heartbeat for a moment with him, it is gratifying to know that his memory lives on and is a source of comfort to others. James never did sad very well, and it is appropriate that his legacy be a joyful one.

Losing the Future

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.

~Anonymous

I saw this quote a few days ago on a child bereavement website.  Maybe this sums up how I feel sometimes.  I guess a lot of times I feel like I have lost my future.  All of the things that I wanted to experience with James that will never be- like first steps, first words, coloring pictures.  First day of school, first dance, baseball.  Drivers license, graduations, wedding.  Grandchildren.  

Tantrums.  Scraped knees.  Broken arms.  Asserting independence.  Attitude.  As silly as it is, I wonder what his tantrums would have been like.  I am sure he would have had them.  And I am sure that they would have been exhausting!  But isn't that part of the fun looking back as a parent?  That you can tell those stories around the table when your kids are older and laugh, even though at the time the tantrums about did you in? 

Would James have given me sass when he was angry?  Or would it have been a quiet anger summed up with a slammed door?  Or maybe he would have learned to control his temper and surprised me by being completely cool, collected and articulate when upset.  That would be a stretch given his parents, but I guess it could have happened. 

There were so many things left to learn about him.  I hate that I will never know.  

So now James's future becomes what I make of it in some ways.  His legacy is completely in Matthew and I's hands.  I'm starting classes next week to finish my medical school pre requisites that I started as a freshman at Baylor.  I began pre-med, and now, 10 years later,  I'm going to try that route again.  

In order not to lose the future, for me, I have to make some sort of meaning out of all of this.  I learned a lot during our time in the hospital and I really feel like I need to be able to help other people even though I couldn't save James. 

Maybe one day I'll be able to find a way to cure this stupid tumor.  Today I am just really angry at it and wish that it didn't exist! I think that the timing of the beginning of the school year is hard.  I'm thinking about the First days of school that James will never have.  And for some reason that is hitting me harder than I thought it would. 


Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully it will be better.  I hope that those of you starting school tomorrow follow into a routine that becomes, well, a routine.  And a big thank you to all the amazing teachers out there!  You are selfless, patient individuals who sacrifice so much in order to provide excellent education.  Also, thank you to all the higher education administrators that work so incredibly hard to facilitate personal and educational growth to young adults that will shape the future of our country.  You are all in my prayers this week.