Losing the Future

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.

~Anonymous

I saw this quote a few days ago on a child bereavement website.  Maybe this sums up how I feel sometimes.  I guess a lot of times I feel like I have lost my future.  All of the things that I wanted to experience with James that will never be- like first steps, first words, coloring pictures.  First day of school, first dance, baseball.  Drivers license, graduations, wedding.  Grandchildren.  

Tantrums.  Scraped knees.  Broken arms.  Asserting independence.  Attitude.  As silly as it is, I wonder what his tantrums would have been like.  I am sure he would have had them.  And I am sure that they would have been exhausting!  But isn't that part of the fun looking back as a parent?  That you can tell those stories around the table when your kids are older and laugh, even though at the time the tantrums about did you in? 

Would James have given me sass when he was angry?  Or would it have been a quiet anger summed up with a slammed door?  Or maybe he would have learned to control his temper and surprised me by being completely cool, collected and articulate when upset.  That would be a stretch given his parents, but I guess it could have happened. 

There were so many things left to learn about him.  I hate that I will never know.  

So now James's future becomes what I make of it in some ways.  His legacy is completely in Matthew and I's hands.  I'm starting classes next week to finish my medical school pre requisites that I started as a freshman at Baylor.  I began pre-med, and now, 10 years later,  I'm going to try that route again.  

In order not to lose the future, for me, I have to make some sort of meaning out of all of this.  I learned a lot during our time in the hospital and I really feel like I need to be able to help other people even though I couldn't save James. 

Maybe one day I'll be able to find a way to cure this stupid tumor.  Today I am just really angry at it and wish that it didn't exist! I think that the timing of the beginning of the school year is hard.  I'm thinking about the First days of school that James will never have.  And for some reason that is hitting me harder than I thought it would. 


Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully it will be better.  I hope that those of you starting school tomorrow follow into a routine that becomes, well, a routine.  And a big thank you to all the amazing teachers out there!  You are selfless, patient individuals who sacrifice so much in order to provide excellent education.  Also, thank you to all the higher education administrators that work so incredibly hard to facilitate personal and educational growth to young adults that will shape the future of our country.  You are all in my prayers this week.